Accidental Mail Order Bride by J. S. Cooper
Chapter One
I’m getting marriedin three weeks.
To a man I’ve never met.
In a state I’ve never been to.
Yeah, my life is absolutely crazy.
It’s not that I’ve never wanted to get married. I’ve been dreaming about my wedding and honeymoon since I was thirteen—though in my dreams, my wedding was always set in Hawaii, not Montana. But that’s where I’m headed. I’m flying into Billings, and then I’m renting a car and driving west to a place called Horseshoe Ranch, which is where I’m going to meet my new husband. I’m hoping he’s hot, hunky, and hung. And that he thinks I’m hot and funny as well.
Hopefully, he’ll ignore the fact that I wear heels and not boots, Gucci and not Wranglers, and love to put on a full face of makeup every single morning.
So maybe I’m not the best bride for a cowboy, but I’m going to have to do. I hope. This isn’t my best idea ever, but it’s the only solution I have to my problems right now. Going from heels, short dresses, and designer handbags to overalls and cowboy hats is a big step, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.
Where did my life go so wrong, you ask? How about a year ago? I met an Italian guy called Mikey in Queens. And let me tell you, if you meet an Italian guy named Mikey in Queens with sparkling blue eyes, run as fast as you can. Not only is he bad news, but he’s related to the mafia, so once he’s got his hooks into you, he’s never letting go.
* * *
“Olivia, I just got to Billings, Montana, and you are not going to believe what happened.” I was already wondering if I should stay on the plane and fly right back to New York City.
“Actually, I don’t believe anything that I’m hearing right now.” Even over the phone, I could practically see my best friend rolling her eyes. “When you told me that you were going to move to Montana, I thought you were joking.”
“Olivia, you know I had to get out of New York City. Mikey and his goons were after me, and I’ve got no money and—”
“I could have taken care of Mikey for you.”
“No, you couldn’t,” I snorted. “You don’t want to get involved with Mikey and his family.”
“Lucy, what’s he going to do?”
“Olivia, I told you they’re in the Mafia, right?”
“Does the Mafia even really exist?”
“Yes, they do. But enough about them. What am I going to do? This is not what I was expecting. I feel like I’m on another planet.”
“So, what’s the problem, exactly?”
“Girl, I’m looking out the window, and I’m in the middle of nowhere. I’m not seeing any buildings. I’m not seeing anything.” I lowered my voice as I stared at the two men walking next to me. “I feel like these people are all country bumpkins.”
Olivia burst out laughing. “You do know you just flew to Montana, right, and not Tokyo? Of course they’re all country bumpkins—but word to the wise, don’t actually say that to any of them.”
“Of course, I’m not going to say that,” I whispered. “I’m dumb, but I’m not that dumb. I just didn’t expect it to be this country. I feel so out of place.” I looked down at my heels and short skirt. I was dressed completely wrong for my surroundings and I always prided myself on my fashion sense. “I don’t even think anyone here would recognize my Hermes scarf and how much it cost even if they saw it up close.”
“Which is good because you didn’t even have the money to buy it.”
“Don’t remind me of my poor life choices, Oliva.”
“I kinda don’t have to … The fact that you’re there says it all.” She giggled. “But I bet it’s going to be a lot better than you thought. I thought you told me you loved nature.”
“Yeah, that one time I went to the Hamptons and was hanging out on the beach and saw a dolphin.”
“You saw a dolphin when you were in the Hamptons?”
“Well, maybe it was inflatable … but it looked real.”
“Girl, you’re a hot mess.” Olivia sighed. “And I say that with a lot of love and respect.”
“Ugh, I am a hot mess. Guess what?”
“What?”
“I forgot the address to the ranch, and I don’t have the phone number, either.”
“Oh, Lucy, how could you do that?”
“I don’t know. I guess I was just really excited and—”
“Girlfriend, I don’t think this is a good idea. You should fly back to New York City. You can stay with me and we can figure something else out.”
“It’s going to be fine. I think it’s going to be good. You know I’ve always wanted to get married and have kids. And I loved watching Little House on the Prairie when I was young.”
“Little House on the Prairie is so old school. You were not made to live on a prairie.”
“Well, I’m not going to be living on a prairie. I’m going to be living on a ranch.”
“Girl, you’re not made to be living on a ranch, either. You can’t be going to a ranch in your high heels.”
“What? They’re Louboutins!”
“Even worse. You’re going to step in horse manure and cow shit with your Louboutins on?”
“Well, I also bought some Timberlands.”
“I thought you said you were broke, Lucy.”
“Well, I have a credit card.” I winced a little, even though she couldn’t see me. “I mean, I had to get something to wear.”
“Timberlands for a ranch?” Olivia sounded dubious. “I don’t think so.”
“Well, anyways, I don’t know if it’s like a farm farm. I mean, maybe they’re like city people.”
“Didn’t you say that he was a cowboy?”
“I mean, I just assumed he’s a cowboy. I don’t know for sure that he’s a cowboy. I’ve never met him.”
“Which is what I think is even crazier,” she said. “You don’t even know what he looks like!”
“I know, but I’m sure he’s good-looking. His parents said he’s good-looking.”
“Yeah, because parents never say their kids are good-looking.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Have you ever heard a parent say their kid is ugly?”
“Well, no …” I mused. I looked out at the expansive cerulean blue sky and took a deep breath. “Oh my gosh, Olivia. I’m really in the country now.”
“What did you expect?”
“I mean, it looks beautiful, but this is so unlike anything I’m used to. I’ve lived in New York City my entire life. I’ve never even been on a farm.”
“Oh, Lucy, what are you doing?”
“I don’t know, Olivia. Maybe you’re right, maybe I should come back.” I paused. “No. I promised them that I’d come and meet their son. I at least owe them that for buying my ticket.”
“Lucy, you promised them you’d marry their son.”
“I know. What was I thinking?”
“I have no idea! You have lost your ever-loving mind!” Olivia sighed. “And I wish I could talk to you a little bit longer but my boss is glaring at me. I’m not meant to have my cell phone on the floor.”
“I know.” Olivia worked in an exclusive boutique in Greenwich Village, and she couldn’t afford to get fired because she was as broke as I was.
“I don’t know what to do, though, Olivia. What do I do?”
“Look, Montana can’t be that big, right? How many ranches can there be? Rent a car, drive into town, find a bar, and ask them if they know where the ranch is.”
“You think that’ll work?”
“How many ranches can there be called Horseshoe Ranch?”
“I guess that’s true. Okay, I’ll rent a car. This sucks. I only have $100 in my bank account.”
“Well, you have a credit card, right?”
“Yeah,” I sighed, “but it’s almost maxed out.”
“Maxed it out on what?”
“Clothes for the trip.” I looked down at my two big Tommy Hilfiger suitcases that were filled with new clothes to wear in the country. “I kind of bought some sexy negligees—”
“Why?”
“Because I’m about to get married,” I said like it was obvious.
Olivia made a strangled sort of noise. “Lucy, are you joking? You are the only woman I know that would buy sexy negligees for a man she’s going to marry that she’s never even met. What if he’s like some old crusty guy? Are you going to want to sleep with him then?”
“I’m praying to God he’s not some old crusty guy. I mean, it’s his parents that contacted me. He can’t be that old.”
“Girl, you don’t even know if it’s his parents that contacted you. These are some random people! You’ve never met them either!”
“I know. Oh, my God, I’m absolutely crazy, aren’t I?”
“Just take a couple of deep breaths. Okay?”
“Okay. Okay. I’ll speak to you later. I’m going to go and rent the car now.”
“Bye. Text me if you need anything.”
“Okay. Bye.” I hung up and looked around the airport. I needed to rent a car and get into town. Hopefully, someone would know where Horseshoe Ranch was, and maybe I could get a quick drink as well. I needed it. I was starting to think I’d made a really bad decision coming to Montana.
What had I been thinking?
Well, I’d hardly been thinking at all, but that was because the last couple of months of my life had been absolutely horrible. I dated this guy who I thought was amazing who turned out to have a lot of money and no real job. And he turned out to be not so amazing. And it turned out that when I broke up with him, he didn’t really like it. I’d been his possession, and when I no longer wanted to be with him, he’d been pissed. He’d made up some lies about me, and then I also lost my job, and because I was a little bit of a spend-a-holic, I didn’t have enough money in the bank to cover me until I got a new job. And now the credit card companies were calling me. And my landlord. I’d felt like I was sinking into a cesspit of manure.
I had no good options, and things around me were falling fast. And then I’d found the newspaper on the train and it seemed like all my prayers were being answered. Just the night before I’d been saying, “I wish I could find a rich husband.” And while I didn’t know if this guy was rich—technically. I didn’t even know if he really existed—I did know it was an opportunity to get out of New York City and start afresh.
And as much as I loved New York City and as much as I loved Olivia, I needed a change. I needed to do something with my life. I was 28 years old, and I was going absolutely nowhere. And that wasn’t what I wanted for myself.
I wanted to be married. I wanted to have kids, and I wanted the white picket fence and big house and yard. And, well, it looked like there was plenty of space in Montana, unlike New York City. Maybe this would end up being my place. The home I’d always dreamed of.
I just hoped that I wasn’t being taken for a ride by some psychopath. The last thing I needed was to find myself locked in the back of some cabin in the middle of nowhere because I’d been dumb enough to agree to marry the one serial killer in Montana.