Baby From Frost by Ashe Moon

4

Raka

I’d never thoughtmy secret, silent wishes to see Delos again would ever be heard by anyone. He was here, standing right in front of me, standing right next to Oli. I felt a million things all at once—I wanted to run to him, hug him, but I was confused, and then afraid. Had Delos been looking for me? If he had and had managed to find me… were we safe?

I took a step back and bumped into my cart. Books thumped to the floor, their pages splayed open. Oli came to me looking concerned.

“Dad? Are you okay?” He turned and looked at Delos. “How come you know him?”

The question put me on the verge of tears, and Delos’s gaze was piercing and magnetic. I couldn’t look away from him. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I hoped he could see the words on my face.

“We’re old friends,” Delos said. “We were on the same boat from the south.”

“Oli, could you give us some time to talk? We haven’t seen each other in a long time.”

“Sure,” he said, shrugging.

“Stay off the railings,” I warned.

He gave Delos a wave and then sprinted off somewhere. Delos and I stood in silence for what felt like ages, just looking at each other.

“Can we go somewhere private to talk?” I asked quietly, and he nodded.

I led him to a study chamber and locked the door behind me. Delos went to the table in the center of the room and leaned against it. I stayed by the wall. It felt like I was frozen, hardly able to get my body to move.

“So, this is where you’ve been this whole time,” he said blankly, eyes fixed on the floor.

“How did you find me?” I asked.

“You think I was looking for you?” he replied, huffing. “After what you did to me? I never wanted to see you again.”

Those words were an uppercut straight to my heart, but I knew I more than deserved it. “Delos, I’m sorry,” I said.

“I’ve never been able to understand why you did what you did. I know you were running from something, and it must’ve been big for you to go to those lengths, but why couldn’t you have just explained it to me?”

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Don’t pretend like you were doing me any favors. You knew how I felt about you. Why couldn’t you have explained what was going on, Raka?”

“Because I knew you’d want to come with me. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to turn you away. And then we’d both be in danger.”

“In danger of what?”

“My family,” I said.

“Most people wouldn’t burn a ship down to run away from home.”

“They might if they had my family.”

“By the Gods. I didn’t even know if you were alive.”

I’d kept the details a secret for so long, even from Oli, and I deeply regretted not telling Delos anything. It’d gnawed at me all these years. I’d told myself that it was necessary and that I couldn’t let doubt and guilt get under my skin. I had to remember that I knew what I was doing and that sticking to my plan was all I could do to ensure things would be okay. But now that Delos was in front of me again, I had to tell him.

The planes of his face seemed stiff and tugged down like they hardly ever moved beyond the slightest smile anymore. His dark hair swept back over his ears, framing a face that’d become as pale as the snowy landscape we hailed from, and he was looking at me with eyes that were much colder than I remembered. I’d prayed that he’d been unaffected by my selfishness, that our encounter had become a faded memory, but it was obvious that wasn’t how things were. I’d been in his mind as much as he’d been in mine.

“Maybe we should sit,” I suggested. “It’s a long story.” We took seats next to each other at the table, and Delos kept his eyes fixed on me the whole time.

I gathered my thoughts and began. “My father was the jarl of a small territory occupying the ice caverns of Peutong mountain in the southern continent. Like you, I was born into a family of elder brothers.”

“I knew it,” Delos said. “I knew you were noble or highborn.”

“My family is nobility, but that doesn’t mean I am.”

Delos cocked his head. “Why not?”

“Because my father decided to take a human mistress,” I said. I hated that I still hadn’t been able to leave the feeling of shame behind, the inadequacy that’d been drilled into my brain since I was a child. It made the words taste particularly bitter. “He kept me in the household. I was more like a servant to my brothers. And when my father passed and my brothers came of age, I was just a threat to them. I left when I learned they were scheming to eliminate me. I moved villages, thought I was safe. But they tracked me down. That’s when I understood the situation I was in.”

Delos looked down. He rubbed his face with both hands like he had an ache in his temples. “You should’ve told me. Maybe I was an idiot, but I thought we both felt the same way about each other.”

“We did,” I said, my voice small. “That’s why I had to protect you.”

“No, I don’t think you felt the same way about me at all,” he said. “Because, in the end, you found someone else.”

“What are you talking about?”

“If the first thing you did was find a mate, then I don’t think you were thinking about protecting me at all. You just had me along for the ride.”

It took a moment for me to understand what he was saying, and when it clicked, I couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re right,” I said. “You are an idiot. You truly think that’s what happened?”

He staggered. “I…well… How else would—?”

I shook my head. I couldn’t decide whether I should be amused or completely offended by his accusation. “You dummy,” I said.

Comprehension registered slowly on his face. His eyes widened. “Oh,” he said. He slumped further into the chair and stared right through the floor. Then he looked at me. “Oli is…?”

“He’s yours.”

Delos looked like a statue, completely frozen.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “Believe me when I say I thought many times about sending word to you. Going back to find you, to tell you. But I couldn’t risk being found, especially because I had a baby to protect.”

“You did what you had to, to protect Oli,” he said, almost mumbling like he was talking to himself. “To keep yourself safe. I get it.” Then he went silent again for a few minutes until he suddenly stood up and announced, “I should go. I need to go.”

“Alright,” I said hesitantly. “Are you okay?”

It was a stupid question. I could see he was in shock.

“Mmhm. Good. All good. Just gotta think about— Need some rest, it’s been a long journey.”

“Where are you staying?” I asked. “Will you be here long?”

“Don’t worry,” he said. “Not long enough to put you in any danger. I won’t speak about you to anyone.”

I nodded. I wasn’t worried about that. I just wanted… What? For him to stay? It was true that I’d wished for this to happen. It was something I’d fantasized about, a scenario I’d played in my dreams, both day and night. But now that it’d come true, I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t expect anything of him, not with the way I’d treated him. Not with what I’d just unloaded on him. It would be perfectly understandable if he left me the way I’d left him—without a word. Disappearing into the darkness. It felt like I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t have a right to.

Delos paused at the door. “Does he know? About me?”

“I was waiting for the right time to tell him,” I said.

Then, without saying another word, Delos left.